i said: i miss you and you said oh. and that didn’t mean anything to anyone before.

we smoked a little bit of pot tonight. and it felt exactly like that night where you are in highschool and uncomfortable and you go to a party where everyone else sort of knows each other and you get vaguely drunk. but you are so obviously underage.

somebody, a special person, said: you are my only friend. and we laughed because it sounded conceited or like we were in love. but we are good friends – the kind who should never get mad at each other.

we watched a television show and one of the little kids said: hotdog highway and it reminded me of what it would be like to be seven and have you as my best friend and know that we had the history of best-friends-since-seven and no one would be able to compete with that.

this is the rant of the year.

my horoscope this week:

welcome to your crash course at happiness school, gemini. to begin your first lesson, say the following aloud: “in the next 20 days, i will rigorously test the hypothesis that it’s possible for me to become far more skilled at creating happiness for myself. during that time, i will do everything within my power to make myself feel good.” now take a piece of paper and write a list of ten familiar experiences that you really enjoy and ten untried experiences that would fill you with well-being if you summoned the courage and initiative to actually attempt them. finally, gemini, do at least one of those 20 experiences every day for the next 20 days.

the universe is encouraging and wonderful!

night falls like people into love
we generate our own light to compensate for the lack of light from above.
every time we fight a cold wind blows our way,
we can learn like the trees, how to bend, how to sway and say

i, i think i understand what all this fighting is for
and i just want you to understand i’m not angry anymore.
no, i’m not angry anymore.

– ani difranco.

why am i so impossible to love?

i have said it to one person. i have meant it to two. and i have meant nothing to both. it seems exactly right, doesn’t it?

i loved you, so what?

i miss you. a lot.

mostly i miss the best friend i used to get to talk to and kiss and drink coffee with and hold, like, all of the time.

i keep forgetting who i am.

and doing stupid things to help me remember.

as i was leaving a bar tonight.

a boy came up and told me that i was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

it was flattering and enough for the recently dumped. i gave him the wrong phone number but it was still sweet and sort of wonderful — at least it is coming from some angle. as we know, i am all about selling sex for self-esteem.

a kiss on the hand and it makes tonight seem worth it and it makes me want to throw-up.

i’ve written my best love poetry about you.

now what do you think that means?

…a little scared are we?

i want to live by myself in an apartment that has lots of windows. it would be nice if the sun could leak in during the day. the apartment should also have wooden floors and smell sweet. in it i would be content to cook meals for my very best friends. i would not let boys sleep over. but sometimes, if i thought it worthy, i would let them climb into bed with me in the morning and read me the newspaper.

i also want a cat. or roommates who aren’t allergic to cats. or a shower drain that is not plugged with the hair of said roommates. or a kitchen that does not have little piles of dishes and sticky countertops.

so who has all the answers?

i feel a little bit like a sad lamb.

my moods are sort of all around lately, i am very up and down and confused and filled with not knowing what i want, as well as wanting what i don’t have. or what i only sometimes have.

i know there is a lot to be said about not finding happiness in other people but, realistically, should we find some of our happiness in other people? since it is awfully hard to be lonely and happy. other people are good at reminding you of things that make you smile. also, they can kiss you, read to you, cook with you. and they can give you warm feelings if they really want to. i guess the problem is that people need to want to be involved in your happiness. and that’s when things get itchy.

but i got a B on my british lit midterm and wrote a paper for media theory that i feel very content with.

i am thinking about miracles and how great it would be to perform some, on the people around and not-around me who are sad/wistful/worried. on my own life, i do not require miracles, but rather that thing that happens when blind-faith and warm feelings materialize.

today, winter seems to be very angry with us. he is blowing and cold – he is hardly the same that i knew only six days ago. winter, it seems i hardly knew ye.