today is the perfect day to:

• stay in bed and read margaret atwood.
• hand out resumes (?)
• eat half a leftover pizza.
• work on the kalle lasn interview, le sigh.

i am doing all of these things, minus the resume handing out. i know it’s completely and unreasonably irresponsible of me to not even have started looking for a summer job, but everytime i want to it seems like something comes up. like margaret atwood and half a vegetarian pizza. or a paper that i am working on with all the energy i can muster (none). unrealistically, my beliefs are firm that a wonderful summer job will fall half-into my lap and the work will be done for me – exactly the way it has always worked in the past. perhaps a barrista job will appear out of thin air and offer itself to me! i would be happy serving coffee for four months, even if it means not even denting the accumulating student loans.

this morning in british lit lecture i decided that i’m not irreversibly screwed up, it’s just the way i live my life, in an utterly passive manner, that is the cause of all the problems. i can’t make decisions for myself because they usually work themselves out, without my ever having to act. everything about this is pathetically easy, resulting in my laziness and lack of work ethic. the idea of changing or fixing this is way too daunting and agressive – leading me to believe i will continue to float through life without ever really lifting a finger.

it’s the only way to live.

what makes me an inherently bad person is that i do terrible things knowing full well their consequences. i have a lack of regard for other people. ontop of all of this, i am incredibly manipulative. not just the regular kind.

i miss claire so much that it hurts. not until i heard her voice on the other end of the line last night and spoke briefly with her today did i realize how much i missed her – with my whole body. this seems like the first time we’ve been so far apart.

the roommates are all out, separately, and this is what i’m finding solace in. after an extra large pizza and many dvds i firmly believe these problems and situations will have found a way to work themselves out.

mostly, i am hopeless.

*note: this is why i do not read chick lit, it feeds my rampant insecurities and unrealistic ideas about love.

“we had sex a few days later because it was inevitable, because now that he was back on campus, i wanted everything and all of him, because i loved him, because i was afraid of losing him, because it felt good or at least because everything up to that point had felt good and it was what came next. i heard a thousand times that a boy, or a man, can’t make you happy. that you have to be happy on your own before you can be happy with another person. all i can say is, i wish it were true.”

even when everything is terrible, there is auden. and he understands us, to perfection.

today the makeshift consolations; the shared cigarette;
the cards in the candle-lite barn and the scraping concert,
the masculine jokes; today the
fumbled and unsatisfactory embrace before hurting.

with absolutely no idea who i am, in any avenue of life, it is becoming icreasingly harder to wake up in the morning. with too many roles and choices, i’m left constantly unfulfilled. and i thought this was supposed to get easier with time.

last night i saw the most beautiful girl perform – something that resembled gospel. i was with the boy and it was a wonderful, tumultuous experience mirroring our own wonderful, tumultuous experience. on the drive home we talked in quiet voices, over the quiter instrumentals of broken social scene, careful not to wake our backseat companion. it was exactly as it should have been, a carbon copy of the seven other nights we’d spent exactly like that, driving home from a late night show. in truth it reminded me of handfuls upon handfuls of nights. with an ending that left us both cold. it took me hours to fall into an uncomfortable sleep.

today is a day of excess, green beer in the afternoon and celebration of the superficial. what i’m craving is tea, auden, and uncomplicated kisses. but i think i’ll lose myself in that excess, instead.

last night jenny sang this:

not nobody, not a thousand beers
can keep us from feeling so all alone.

and i believed her.

don’t care too much
about the lack of truth
and love
in our poetry
(bodies)
we are so vague
and without consideration and
with your back turned to me all i can think is:
oh.

it doesn’t matter, anymore, who i wrote these poems about. because they have become terribly appropriate and easily applied. you, me, and everyone we know.

the weather is turning, changing, shifting so quickly – like the moods. and there are so few things that offer the kind of inspiration that can sustain us. i am learning that sometimes unabashed hope is a wonderful thing and exactly what we need.

“i find myself asking why a lot these days as well. ‘why’ is a word we should all be asking of ourselves and of those who claim to be our leaders. what if after the events of 9/11, the united states had asked why instead of who? what if we could ask why in regard to the recent hurricanes?

as we bear witness to the disappearance of nature, and the disconnection of our society from it, we also see an increase in confusion, an extreme lack ofcompassion and understanding of how to care for each other and our world, a loss of understanding in regard to cause and effect.

and i believe that to deal with the great unraveling taking place around us,we’ve got to come back home, immerse ourselves in that which goes on in our neighbourhoods and communities, in our own backyards or on the land we farm. we can feel paralyzed by the broader world scene, but we have enormous power in and around the places where we live.

it doesn’t really matter what the issue is: energy, water, food, waste, transportation, or even that pervasive sense of loneliness or disconnection that so many folks have, when you focus your attention on the local world, when you come back home, change is possible.”

– michael ableman

it’s the only way to live.

i want a new haircut. i want a new life. i want to make decisions that are bad ones, just to have something to fret ’bout later. something to make me miserable or elated or anything at all.

i’m bored with everything, this was decided on the bus ride home. it was only one hour but gave me enough time to listen to a whole bunch of ani difranco and feel nervous about sitting next to a really cute boy and feel squished because the man infront of me had his seat pushed way far back. the best bus trip i ever took was when we stopped at the university of guelph and the scenery was pretty and i was knitting and a girl with a partly shaved head and fem. lit. sat next to me and i crushed on her the whole way home. i nearly finished a scarf that day and i was recording the whole thing mentally to write down later and i never did.

i made a whole bunch of decisions about how i was going to change my life because i thought that would make a difference. like what kind of consumer i’m going to be which is the number one change i always fail at. and my promise that i will make every day feel fresh and exciting and inspiring in all of the ways that i can. if these are my resolutions, well, i failed at them already.

at least we are having veggie burgers and gazpacho salad for supper and that makes me feel like

a rough list of people/things i hate tonight, on this thursday march ninth.

• ex-boyfriends.
• the new girlfriends of ex-boyfriends.
• the one mean roommate who succeeds in making me feel like both an asshole and a complete fool at every opportunity.
• people who are in love.
• my own memory.
• old e-mails.
• being hit on.
• being in debt.
• my decisions not being supported by the people who are supposed to love me.
• guilt.
• regret.
• disdain.
• unwanted sexual attention/being sexualized, intentionally or not, against my will.
• the thought of you kissing other girls.
• never having enough time or good moods or claire.
• sleeping alone.
• being sad!

the only things i love are hats, heather, the couple who does the crossword puzzle without making me jealous, ani difranco and claire/running away.

i hate everything about the future. especially the people who won’t be in it.

back from the last place that i wanted to fake
you laugh with me, shout, scream, now tell me you’re staying
i know i know i know, you’re still my love.

listening to tegan and sara is making me a significantly more wistful person.

songs about neurotic love make for geek days and four hour coffee sessions in the middle of a monday.

last night i was writing about you,
i know my screaming and shouting won’t keep you.

i am determined to become a more interesting person.

two months ago it was taking every bone in my body not to fall in love.

one month ago i felt sad in a relationship.

today he came over to fix my computer. sitting on my bed we sat not too close. our feet, toes, touched. we sat closer. i thought about kissing him and what would happen. i hoped he might kiss me. i knew he wouldn’t. but i remember how it feels exactly anyway. and why, when he shows up at my door awkwardly and with a weekend-beard i want to throw my arms around him and kiss kiss kiss.

this is silly, but i am swooning at the very thought of you.

“just friends” is working out beautifully, as you can tell.