today i got an beautiful blue and white scarf from my beautiful girlfriend who, even when she is sad, is still all about giving people presents.

i handed out resumes to all the places that i really, really want to work. like the card shoppe & the coffee place & the independent bookstore. i need one job that i love a lot and that adds tons of purpose to every day.

this is the perfect time in life – right before the stress of working/classing/moving hits. it’s the pre-summer goodness i long for all year, i vow not to waste it.

and laura’s asleep in my bed
as i’m leaving, she wakes up and says;
i dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave
baby, don’t go away, come here.

my goodness!

i had the kind of waterloo-weekend that rarely manifests itself. friday was beautiful cloudy-warm evening weather which resulted in seeing friends with money, directed by nicole holofcener who is also responsible for lovely and amazing and creates realistic, funny, sometimes sexy and always intelligent films about women. these are my recommendations, as there are too few smart movies about and for women. gelato was had, as well as a pleasant walk and bonding session with roommates and a run-in with jon who i miss very much especially when he hugs me!

saturday was sam roberts – a fun, silly, show with a good canadian boy singing simple and charming tunes and playing a pretty mean guitar. the crowd was so energetic and we were able to dance around and shake our tails the way we hardly ever get to do at the too-cool indie shows. also, it was the first time i have seen the boy in a while – essentially our first real post-breakup date – and it was splendid. i don’t want to ruin it with a bunch of words that can’t capture it all, but it was important and wonderful. it led to a 2am pizza session in which we dug deep into all the things we’ve not told each other for the past few weeks. so much bonding and laughing and being silly and me remembering why i love him, as i do only a handful of people that i have met in the last three years. it made me think about the important part he holds in my life and see why we really didn’t work together, in a relationship that was built on too much pressure, too-soon-ness, intensity and wishful thinking. i am letting go of all the regrets except one – the one about timing. if it hadn’t been so wrong neither would we(?) i have faith that the universe will continue to be fluid and make allowances and in the meantime we will be good friends without all the bad feelings.

today was a short coffee walk and mostly staying in bed, enjoying the little puddles of rain forming around the backyard, reading a little t.s. and slowly dragging my way through f. scott fitzgerald (even though sometimes i am finding the classics to be slightly outdated and not as involving and interesting as a lot of contemporary lit. – save for the poetry – shhhh). in one week we move to a new and cute apartment that i have big hopes for – being downtown will mean lots of lunch dates with friends and probably too much seattle’s best coffee. i have lots of love for everything may will bring into my life; the amazing job i am now opening myself up to getting and the wonderful town that i will feel even more a part of when the weather turns really warm. (as much as i am loving it here, last night when the boy said that in two years i could be in ottawa my heart lit up! i thought of all the possibility and change and didn’t feel scared for once).

i am opening myself up to the universe and that’s final.

it all boils down to one quotable phrase,
if you love something give it away.

i have a final in two hours.

i feel prepared and completely lost at the same time. but i think i’ll survive. my fondness for 18th century poetry is growing, albeit a tad too late. the weather is beautiful, typically april. i have started to cry no fewer than three times in the library since monday. which of us, besides eliot, knew that april would be the cruellest month? i’m tired of the way things are constantly changing. i’m stuck, about twelve changes back, and when i close my eyes it really is last april – when i loved t.s. eliot and a boy and had everything i needed in one place and time. nostalgia is unhealthy, like the way i miss him. i’m worred about what the summer will bring and what it won’t. i’m worried about not finding a job i love, i worry about finding a job i love and figuring out that it’s all wrong for me. the point is: anything real scares the shit out of me.

i thought i would feel better writing all of this down, and i don’t.

april is the cruellest month, breeding
lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
memory and desire, stirring
dull roots with spring rain.

sidewalk graffiti outside my house says: eat fresh fruit. i think: how lucky i am to live in a neighbourhood with enlightening graffiti.

thinking about lots of things. moving after graduation (which is still ages away) but, oh my, the possibilities are endless. ottawa, for one more degree (library info and tech.) so i can work with books and write freelance. british columbia, so i can live in an expensive, tiny, one-bedroom apartment in the most beautiful city in the world, at least in canada (vancouver). knowing that claire is running away for ecuador has me itching. she said i am the person least afraid of making mistakes. i haven’t felt that way much lately, beating myself up and feeling nervous and scared about everything (the things that make me feel powerless). claire is the one who is living big. i am tired of feeling small.

on the bus i sat across from the most beautiful hipster couple. a cute, scruffy dad and a wide-eyed, dark-haired mom with the sweetest baby boy wrapped up tight against her chest. i want to get married to someone i love more than anything in the world (love so deep i can feel it in my toes) and have sweet babies and cook unpretentious veggie suppers for us all. i have romantic ideas of wifehood, playing with little scenes like this in my head (and adorable hipster couples) feed into the lazy, hazy dreams. friday brought me the surprise of the new giada de laurentiis cookbook. so beautiful, so many glossy pictures and recipies i am excited to try.

i have been going on really nice pseudo-dates with a nice boy, but i am feeling so good on my own that it no longer matters. half the time i am neurotic and lonely (i miss intimacy and talking and learning from the kinds of wonderful boys i choose to be with) but the other parts are good and teaching me lessons all on their own. it has been two years-ish of being the person i am with other people(s) and i forget to remember how to be me sometimes.

friday night is for drinking tea, what not to wear reruns and knitting scarves for the people i love unconditionally (one or two small handfuls of people/love).

happy weekend/chocolate-bunny-eats.

the best thing about jazz is rediscovering your love for it. i am constantly infatuated with fresh and exciting bands, with new sounds and funny lyrics that cause all sorts of reactions and make you laugh and dance and feel like all the seasons are happening inside of you at once.

and then there is jazz.

jazz isn’t a season – it’s a way of life. it’s a state of mind, it’s all-consuming and heavy and unforgiving. jazz is bigger than you and it pays you little mind, it exists whether or not you want it to. the world belongs to jazz and we’re just living in it.

sometimes claire says; i miss you like they do in old jazz songs.
sometimes miss billie holiday says; don’t threaten me with love, baby. let’s just go walking in the rain.

and it all makes beautiful sense.