she lay in bed all night watching the morning change
she lay in bed all night watching the colours change
she lay in bed all night watching the colours change
into green and gold.

good stuff is stuff like last night! and like semi-surprise coffee visits at work! and lunch yesterday and spending all afternoon together and acting silly and laughing really loud and going out for fries. and being asked to the movies via a cute note (days old news)! and having a brand-new crush! my blogs will no longer be coherent, but rather buzz words and exclaimation points!

yesterday i got the new decemberists (LEAK) on my ‘puter and got paid – what is better than those two things happening at once? today i am buying a new scarf and a book and birthday presents for people i love.

the only thing(s) that is plauging my mind is midterms, which are creeping up at an alarming rate. i see them on the horizon and am deathly aware that october means just about no-fun for at least a little while.

one week until the science of sleep, maybe even less until i get to hang out with jon johnson?

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox,
HUGS AND KISSES, BLOG.

1. xavier rudd = best of all times.

2. it will pretty much always go along these lines; about a week after you discover that your old boyfriend is actually still really amazing and he starts acting warmer and less distant towards you (and you meet his girlfriend and think she is SUPER AWESOME) he will show up at school with the most adorable haircut in the history of the world. he will also have the beginnings of scruffy facial hair that will make you want to kiss him on the mouth. very much. you will proceed to stare in wonder at him for the whole ten minutes it takes him to order and get coffee, all the while cursing the fact that you no longer get to share a bed with such a perfect creature!

3. karma really is a bitch and i have faith that it is going to kick the asses of everyone who deserves it. that alone is enough to keep me waking up smiling. faith! that and my guitar and indian take-out and homework.

it is the second day of fall and even though we missed the first, and our one chance to ring in the most perfect season, fall is still giving us a whole bunch of gifts.

so many movies that happen when october hits; the science of sleep! who killed the electric car?! half nelson! conversations with other women! so many good movies that i think my head might explode from, simply, too much goodness.

in addition to movie goodness, i have been surrounded by a ton of interesting and smart books lately and i am trudging my way, happily, through them. i am pretty much in love with everything ali smith writes, she is like a modern day salinger with her collections of short and shorter stories that are perfect little character sketches. i am suddenly insatiable!

ontop of this, there are a handful of people i’ve decided to kick out of my life, and this process is like shedding skins. it’s almost imperceptible, of course, because mostly they are too stupid or self-involved to notice. this is especially spurred by the company i’ve been keeping lately, a whole mishmash of friends who can be a lot of fun. like on monday night when we were all piled up together on couches in front of the tv, mostly thinking about food and breaking the silence with moments of witty repartee about television commercials and the new music. with awkward thursday lunches off to a running start i have high hopes for the rest of the fall.

lots of things have happened lately that feel like tipping points. it might be silly to measure and calculate the moment that things changed direction but i can and i have and i can pinpoint it down to a matter of days. it is good to know that no matter what happens some things have changed.

when i said i wished it could always be like this i wasn’t kidding, everything feels in its right place.

you tell me, how does it make you feel?
you tell me what’s real.

last night was good and normal and well-edjusted the way things should be and are when we let them develop naturally.

it makes sense because it was a year ago, but longer. letting off a year’s worth of anger is like being lifted. it is a relief and makes everything feel easier. because everything is, without grudges and imagined emotional war.

the reality of the situation is so appealing and my heart is everything but heavy from a night of too many beers and too much pot and a lot of laughing and good people and remembering why i loved you and why you loved me for a couple of minutes a long time ago.

we are lighter and enlightened.

reprieve?

lately i think i might be the most selfish person in the world.

i have mastered the art of holding grudges.

sometimes i cry for no reason and there are periods of days or weeks i find it nearly impossible to read a newspaper without feeling overwhelmed. it is a new kind of sensitivity it seems like my life is seconds from falling apart right underneath me, giving out from the heaviness of years of lies and poor moral judgement.

it feels uncontrollable.

because adrian hurt me (destroyed is more like it) and i am still not really ready to look him in the eye. he leaves me uneasy and untrusting of everyone. and i hurt chris by taking out all of the frustrations i’ve ever had on him and he found it too hard (or still does) and left me, romantically speaking. i find this cycle of trust (no trust) impossible to break. so i have filled the last six months with meaningless encounters and desperately wished for more. i have wished to prove that i’ve changed, which i haven’t, because if i had i wouldn’t be teetering on the edge more often than not.

if there is a breaking point to all of this instability – lack of trust and love and wanting and secrets and games – i sense it is close and i wish it would implode so we could all move on with our real lives, resembling something human.

to split yourself in two is just the most radical thing you can do
so girl, if that shit ain’t up to you then you simply are not free.
’cause from the sunlight on my hair to which eggs i grow to term,
to the expression that i wear,
all i really own is me.

reprieve, reprieve, reprieve.

i am obsessed with buying books. or sometimes stealing them from chain bookstores. or sometimes buying them at employee discounts because my best girl works at one. or sometimes buying them used because i like the way they smell.

or sometimes reading too many books at once because my attention span dictates that i not be able to finish anything before becoming distracted by the next totally great thing.

since mid-august i have started (and subsequently abandoned, then returned to, then abandoned once again):

the trial – franz kafka
the unbearable lightness of being – milan kundera
as i lay dying – william faulkner
the corrections – jonathan franzen
never let me go – kazuo ishiguro

the only thing i have managed to finish is a book of short stories by ali smith. short stories and poems and terrible memoirs! my only true loves! (!!!) i am thisclose to abandoning the tipping point by malcolm gladwell already! i am decidedly unliterary.

i also can’t stop listening to rilo kiley and thinking about the pagan pride festival tonight and hoping that we get veggie subs for supper and go on a bike ride. i also can’t stop thinking about the first day of school and the panicky feelings it makes happen.

i wish i knew how to be myself so that i wouldn’t always feel: scared and alone and envious and jealous and intimidated and ugly and silly.

these are the secret things that i feel every day, especially when in the presence of really pretty and/or interesting girls. sometimes my self-esteem is so low that i feel like i am living inside of my baby toe, barely above-ground.

rawr.