recipie for success, or at the very least christmas cheer:
making a kickass lasagna and spending the rest of the day snacking on it. with garlic bread!
wrapping gifts for people you love, like your best friends and parents.
terrible, TERRIBLE christmas music from the 1950’s and really great christmas music from sufjan stevens.
my favourite three christmas activities combined into one lazy afternoon.
i love christmas. or maybe just the sweet, closeness it brings. when everyone feels jolly and full of good eats and gets thoughtful presents from the people they love. i especially love elf and hot chocolate and presents with my favourite boys, even if one of them did fall asleep like usual because he is a grumpy old-scrooge man.
i especially love you, SANTA.
guess what doesn’t matter?
almost everything, especially things in the form of BOYS. boys. oh, masculinity, how i have grown tired, weary(!) of you. my new policy is that if you have a penis, and try to get romantic with me ever, you are a life-ruiner. and i will castrate you on the spot! does this seem excessive? i promise it’s not.
tonight at work there were so many customers, but i ignored all of them and read my new ec0-feminist manifestos! oh, the environment and gender, oh environmental and feminist ethics. you brighten my day and my entire life. perhaps it means that i am ages and ages behind the rest of the world, intellectually, but i still totally get off reading about feminism and the environment and globalization. it always feels brand new! i am excited for my christmas break reads this year, they are going to be almost entirely non-fiction and enlightening.
there is something ugly and hypocritical about the fact that at the end of each term i’m forced to take test after test to prove that i’ve learned. who am i proving myself to? i can read how false this is. names, places, theories, basic concepts. and there is a cold hardness to all of it that leaves me frustrated.
what happens when i can’t fit everything into four short essay questions?
why is no one asking me to talk about these past three months in my own words, a term in retrospect?
why is this so difficult and ignorant? why am i patronizing an institution that absolutely doesn’t care how i feel? sometimes we care so much that it comes off as laziness, but it’s not, it’s helplessness.
this term i’ve learned that i make choices every day that conflict with my beliefs and leave me angry. but the alternatives are too big, or small, or unfamiliar. i’ve started to grasp the interconnectedness of everything and it terrifies me and i’m not sure what to do except to freeze up in the face of how insiginificant this is.
sometimes i miss people, hard hard and for no reason at all.
even when they’re only phonecalls or footsteps away.
and it’s really just the pits missing that hard.
guess what blog? our one year anniversary is coming up! you are the most committed relationship i have had in years. you and i have made it work! even through our bad times, let’s say february to september, you stuck by my side!
you are my one true love.
an entry to read and write while waiting for tea to steep.
this morning while we were sitting around talking about all the things we love and all the things about boys that are gross. it was brought to my attention that my impossibly high hopes for love could be the problem that is plauging me and the reason for my extended singleness.
like probably the odds of meeting a tall, fall-sweater and glasses wearing, part technie-nerd part literary-genuis boy who reads sylvia plath and like feminist theory but also likes to ice-skate and think about about art and watch woody allen movies and drink tea and has the best taste ever in music and can out-nerd me in books is probably almost TOTALLY impossible.
also, because that guy sounds a lot like me, i don’t think i would really like dating myself. i am LOADS of fun and really very awesome, but dating someone who has the worlds shortest attention span and has about a hundred different emotions every day would be very weird and scary! i don’t think i could handle someone that intense. and dating probably shouldn’t be a contest to see who can out-intense the other person.
i also think that i think too much about this stuff. when i could be thinking about really important stuff, like politics, or sort of important stuff, like sixteenth century poetry.
december is probably going to be a lot better than originally thought. about six really great movies are playing uptown and also working all the time means i am going to be rolling in the dough and can buy about fifteen more new old books.
tea is ready!
“it’s like his resopnses have to be interpreted through a flow chart … it’s like an equation, and you have to balance things like: the amount of time since you last fooled around X his body image divided by how many times you cancelled on him, to the power of how long it took him to lose his erection.”
and that explains that.
the real reason for this blog session was to bring up the pointless fact that right now on my window’s media player the new emily haines album (delicious) falls right after between the bars by elliott smith and it’s just about the loveliest sequence of music that has ever existed in the history of the world. a reason to live? i think so!
ps. feist follows emily haines. be still my heart.
