today i spent the first day ever alone in my new apartment! quite the feat considering i’ve been living here for the past, oh, 27+ days. since i am currently nearly unemployed i did my most favourite no-cost things like opening up all the windows, listening to miles davis, cooking breakfast and finishing saturday’s globe & mail. living alone means no one to bother with while i putter around in my underpants and do dishes. at last, freedom!
this morning at the grocery store i bought one of those really awful women’s fitness magazines that is placed (oh-so-strategically!) by the cash register. i felt stupid even picking it up since i’m clearly not an avid reader of all things fitness and don’t want it to become an unconcious move to feel body unconcious. headlines like FLAT AND SEXY ABS and SCULPT YOUR BEST BODY totally alienate me as a woman who wants to, and mostly does, feel confident about her body and health.
when i was nineteen i made myself a silly but serious promise that i would either have my shit together by the time i was twenty-three and have dropped these 20 pounds i put on over the last four years or would simply come to terms with my body. twenty-three has always felt like the culmination of something bigger and now that i’m suddenly (nearly) here dropping twenty pounds is the least relevent thing on my mind. is it possible that being intelligent, educated, well-read, informed, funny, attractive and happy are enough on their own, even with my hips and ass?
entirely.
my least favourite thing about being a woman is the constant sense of shame that is supposed to accompany the feminine, being bombarded with notions of what to buy and who to be and what to internalize (only the bad stuff) and never, ever being told that what you are might actually be good enough.
in short, i’m really happy and recycling my copy of women’s health.
orange streetlight picks up when the summer sun goes
on tops of buildings red remains
it’s the differences in the light that gets our minds.
to not blog in weeks is, in my mind, a sign of something bigger! have i outgrown you, blog? maybe my thoughts and feelings have become less consuming, the urgency is suddenly gone.
my life is reading and working and eating (the food, oh goddess!) and friends and being in love. bliss! there is only (nearly) one month missing from summer but it feels like it must be coming to an end already. when the cold air hits, hard and again, it will finally seem real that so many people have moved on. but right now it’s nearly impossible to feel nostalgic in a season of bbq’s and patios, when walking everywhere is beautiful and not ever a chore. i’ll miss this apartment when i have to go somewhere new, but it doesn’t feel like home still. my books are in boxes piled beside my makeshift bed and i still haven’t unpacked most of the kitchen utensils. i eat a good meal when i can remember to and forget to sleep at home for days and days. which makes me equal parts less and more of an adult than ever before. boring?
everyone listen to the new feist album, the reminder, and quick before summer hits hard. it is the perfect transition album!
i missing old friends, i hope you all come home soon from your literal and figurative vacations.
getting rip-roaring stoned every afternoon is not a productive or managable way to spend three-and-change months.
things i haven’t done in the last week include: unpacking and the dishes. all of my tangible responsibilities are slipping through the cracks in favour of daytrips and afternoon movies. it’s both the curse and the draw of summertime!
ryan left for home semi-permanently on sunday. even though he’ll be spending at least two days of every week in waterloo, i’m sort of happy to have the other five days to myself. the amount of time i’ve been spending with other people lately is overwhelming, i can count the number of times i’ve been alone in this apartment on one hand. i need to revisit how good it feels to do things on my own terms!
i’ve been having lots of fun lately taking pictures and learning about cameras. so summer is going to feel really great, even better, when i get my life back in order!
