the thick of it.i have a lot to say but i’m butchering most of it, even in my head.a visit from my ex-r00mmate is the realization of how far we’ve come. how much i can appreciate people from a distance, monthly visits for the next months and years could keep us in each others lives. we can love and laugh and remember quirks and habits in charming way, and even the bad things seem laughable now. living every day without 2am pizza runs and beer-fueled confessions really is bittersweet.i’m making a promise to try harder with, and for, the people who matter. i don’t want to forget that there is a whole world outside of this niche it’s taken me four years to carve.

so let’s pretend that the next two months are forever!

i don’t think i want to think about it
how the fall is coming down
the light is leaving and it’s hard to breathe
buried in a pile of leaves.

this morning i woke up to a mini-panic attack. the overwhemling tendancy is to start the day thinking about the heavy things – things i need to accomplish in the long run, short run, immediately, last week. i am almost always falling behind. bill payments, keeping in touch, job search!

at 5am yesterday i signed up for my final year of university classes. insignificant considering most of my friends have graduated and moved up, away or onto grad school, but it felt really strange knowing that i had done it. eight more classes to go and i’ve fulfilled my requirements to graduate, and somehow have managed to salvage my GPA after several rocky terms and false starts. there is a plan and an inevitable outcome! still it feels strange to know that i will never take feminist theory (the course that has never fit into my schedule after four consecutive years) and that i took my last women’s studies class winter term. suddenly there are so many things i’ll never get to do that somehow seemed possible.

i.e. i will never…
get a minor in art history.
or anthropology.
or cultural studies.
have an affair with a dashing, intelligent, moody older professor-type (fingers crossed for grad school!).
join a club or a “team” (to be clear, i would never actually join anything campus-based, it was just a passing thought).
take a creative writing course.

some of these can be easily dismissed but some are nagging. the thought that maybe i’ve made the wrong choices for the last four years, academically at least, and now i’m stuck. paralyzed with fear and a potentially useless degree. how exciting to be having the identity crisis that everyone i know had months ago. i have arrived!

since i’m overwhelming happy and in love i’m finding it hard to complain about things but i feel as though i’ve done a pretty bang-up job!